Microtransactions

I hate waiting.
Games take time.
You know you're the prime target for games that have microtransactions, right?
No shit, Sherlock.
How much you spend on Force Commander this week?
You know what?
I really hate you.
How much?
$20
Really?
Yes. (grumbles)
You need help.
Fuck you.
You do.
I should go back to WOW.
Because that will fix your problem.
Gawd, do you ever stop?
Nope.
Why's that?
Because I am your guilty conscious.
We are pretty fucked, aren't we?
We could play Fallout.
Not anymore.
No.
Yep.
No way.
Creation Club.
Jeepers man, that content sucks.
Well, if we stick to PC we can escape it.
You gave in on the console though?
Some of it was free.
That sounds strangely familiar
I know. it's how we got sucked into WOT
That word is forbidden!
What? World of Tan-
Shut up!
Oh, come one you only spent $450 fucking dollars!
I'm not listening!
On a bunch of tanks, you never play anymore.
Shut up!
I can't stop myself.
You can say that again.
There's always words with friends.
I have no friends
You'd have friends if you stopped begging them for powerups in Mafia Wars.
Goddammit, that was 8 years ago.
They still haven't forgiven you.
How would you know?
They talk to me.
I don't want to know.
Besides, there's Becca.
Becca?
Nevermind.
No, who the Hell is Becca?
She was your online girlfriend.
She was my online imaginary girlfriend.
No, you only thought she was imaginary.
For Pete's sake, she was just a microtransaction on Persona!
Oh.

Armygeddon Blues

Are you getting it?

Am I getting what?

Are you geddon it?

I think so.

You ruin everything.

Is that part of the song?

I hate you.

We stand in a crowd of pulsating bodies at some venue that reminds me of a rave eave that this music is louder, more outlandish, someone is screaming something.  There is a pungent odor of ozone and body sweat.

WOW Raids just aren't what they used to be.

Why do I invite you to these things?

Because I'm charming?

Hah! Just Dance with me!

Something large crashes nearby and everyone scatters. Someone is yelling Leroy. Now everyone including me is yelling Leroy as well. There are way too many dragons in the room now.

"Hey!"

Someone new is yelling. I look around. Nothing.

"Hey!"

I shrug maybe they will go away?

I'm talking to you, why are we farming this purple shit again?

I hear you, it's a guild thing.

"Hey!"

My monitor goes black.

"Mom!"

I rip the headphones off to glare up at my angry mother.

"Mom?"

She holds up the power cord to my monitor triumphantly.

"Now, that you are unplugged, can I have your attention?"

"Sure, Mom."

"Are you going to do anything today?"

I shrug.

"Like what?"

"How about like getting a job?"

"I have a job."

"A paying job."

"Oh."

"Oh? You think you can have a free ride here?"

"Of course not. I was just taking a break."

"Two months is not a break."

"Well, if you are going to get technical."

"What I am going to get is the power turned off."

"Okay, Mom, I get the message, let me finish what I am doing and I will go out and get a paying job, okay?"

"Okay, but if you think you are going back to playing that game, I'll be back in 15 minutes with a hammer."

"Right, right, got it."

She leaves, I plug the monitor back in. Everyone is dead. My screen is filled with angry messages.

Sorry about that. I had a Random MOM encounter.

Not to worry, we were wiping anyway.

From what I see, everyone thinks it's my fault.

Well after you froze you aggroed the Arch-Demon guy.

Ah.

I guess you're going AWK for the rest of the day?

Nope, I'm getting dressed and heading out to Nate's, I'll be back on in 2 hours.

Okay cool. I will reassemble another Raid by then. Anything I should tell Telementry?

That's the new Guild Lieutenant?

Yeah

Ask him if the Guild could afford to pay me to do this?

As if.

Figures.

Love ya.

Love you too.

Armygeddon it?

Nope, not unless I can come over to Los Alamos this weekend.

Better get a job. My dad is a hardass about deadbeat gamer boyfriends.

I'm not dating him.

Yeah, well if you want to date me, you might as well consider it the same thing.

I wonder if Tina is busy.

Tina has a boyfriend.

No shit.

She's also like 300 pounds

So.

I'm not.

Good point. Damn, here comes my mom again. Got to go.

Later loverboy.

Day 463: I wondered into another post apocalyptic movie...I think

Today I met a guy named Jack Porter, he claims to have once been an astronaut although he did say that was many clones ago. I asked him if he meant moons not clones and he just laughed and tried to explain it but then his "tech" radioed him and he said he would like to throw some ball with me sometime, but he had to go find a drone in sector 49. As he jumped into his pod thing and flew away I realized I had never seen anything machine that could fly since I left the vault and that I should have asked for a lift.
Was that the drone I shot down this morning I asked as I looked at the mess he had left
Damn, nothing useful not even a bottle cap.

I was considering this when heard this crazy screaming noise and the ground erupted in front of me.
It was like a chainsaw. I shot it anyway. I figured it was a mole rat.... well, crap it wasn't just some kind of remote-controlled chainsaw that had the temerity to blow up.... still I got some scrap metal out of it.
Later, I saw some mole rats fighting with the robot saw things and the rats were winning. I guess someone figured that would get rid of those buggers.

I was picking my way through a subway near Arefu when this guy comes running up to me.

"John Connor?"
"My name is Jo-"
"Come with me- if you want to live."
"My name is Jo-"
"Come on!"
He grabs my arm and starts hauling ass. We run like hell.
I look back and this Synth thing comes around the corner with a freaking mini-gun.
We dive over an embankment and there is Tracey from Vault 101 lying there with another dude who looks a lot like the guy who grabbed me. The two dudes stare at each other in silence.
I look at Tracey who waves.
"Hi Jo-" she tries to say but get's interrupted by the two dudes.
"Who are you?" they both say at the same time.
"I'm Kyle Reese," they both answer.
"Oh crap." they both exclaim.
"Hi Tracy," I say.
"Hello. Any idea what is going on?"  She asks.
"This yo-yo just grabs me and yells to come with him if I want to live."
"Oh, mine told me the same thing after calling me, Sarah."
"Wow, mine thinks my name is John."
"It's not?" Ask my dude.
"My name is Ralph."
"But," The dude says "You said your name is John."
"Actually, I was trying to say, My name is John? as a form of a question."
"Oh."
"What about you?" the other dude asks Tracy.
"Me?" Tracy says, "Right, I just thought you were cute. My name could be Sar-"
"Arrgh!" They both shout, "Wrong timeline!"

"What happened next?" Jerry interrupts. He always interrupts.
"Not much," I reply. "Tracy tells the guy she's got to go, pops up and uses her Fatman to totally VATS the robot chasing her. Then I do the same with my rocket launcher on the other one. The two Reese dudes stand up and gawk as robot bits rain down. I told Tracy, I'd see at the Vault 101 Mirelurk fry later this month and when we looked back both guys were gone."

"Damn," Jerry says.

"Weird Day," I say.

And that was pretty much it.
This is Ralph signing off.

top 8 video games foibles of all time

1. Button mashing. God of War 1-20. yeah there will be that many sequels just wait you'll see. Cronus will have to get it one with every goddess and monster in mythology. If it's a myth did any of it actually happen?
my thumbs thinks so.

2. Fighting games masquerading as adventure games. How much suck would Tomb Raider have been if in the middle of the game it became a side scroll version of mortal combat. Injustice- I'm talking to you.

3. Sequels that have nothing to do with the original other than the cover art or concept.
The Force Unleashed. Srsly awesome game with insane button mashing that totally killed my mood and then changed the entire SW continuum. If you disagree play the second one to see total suckage at the end. It's like suddenly everything lucas touched sucked bum- don't believe me? Try the last (and by gosh I pray the last) Indiana Jones movie.

4.  Games that just get worse with each sequel like no one can figure it out. does this dungeon look familiar?
Yes it was in Wolfenstein 3D in 16bit color. enough said, if there is enough bullets no one will notice.

5. Awesome games that end suddenly as soon as they are getting good. Battle for Los Angeles and Homefront and Call of Duty and Medal of Honor and that aforementioned Star Wars game and Republic Commando. By Jove the list goes on and on. But hey there is multiplayer where a bunch of stupid tweeny boys can pawn you and talk smack even though most of them would get shot in the first 5 seconds of a real firefight.

6. MMRPGS where you spend all day farming a piece of leather just to improve a skill that won't actually help you out. WOW, I am talking to you. What is the point of crafting if it doesn't actually give you an edge after 4th level. What's worse is that every frikking Fantasy and Sci-fi game has it as if people in RL or hell even the movies spend time improving metal crafting or leather working or gardening.

7. Games that sell you stuff for real cash. Gamers call this buying your way to the top. Believe me the suckage is complete. Nothing I like more than grinding my character up to a point where I can finally join a raid group and meeting the 3 newbs who bought their characters on eBay.

8. Nerfing. Whoops that gun/character/class/ability is too powerful so instead of reducing it they rob it of every reason you spent the last 72 days of actual game time to get it. 

Life!

you are going to die.
hell, me too

Annoying kids from Lamplight

Last night I agreed to take this grownup kid, lets call him Keeky, hell I can't remember his name. We don't get 20 feet before he gets bored, and insists on telling me a story about a robot called Dynamo and on he went as we walked. I could not get him to shut up.
When are we going to get to Big Town he'd ask.
Big Town, Big Town.
Gawd, I was expecting something like Megaton instead of the dump that Big Town turned out to be.
Kicky kept telling his stupid stories all the way there.
Hey Ralph did you heat about that robot Dynamo as I am emptying my mini gun into a giant radscorpion
I'm bored, I know I will make up a story, once there was this superhero named Gronk, in the middle of a knife fight with three very pissed off Talon Company men
Are we there yet? In a shootout between 6 super muties and 9 raiders
I sure know how to pick em!


This is Ralph

Now where is that nailboard, that won't kill him right?

Deathclaw Stew

Here's how to make Deathclaw stew.
1. Make sure you take plenty of weapons.
Shotgun.....check
railroad gun....check
laser rifle....check
missile launcher...need to get it repaired
Fat Boy...check (don't ask- don't tell, just pull the trigger and run like hell)
2. take lots of ammo....preferably ammo for the shotgun, raliroad gun, laser rifle, missles, mini nukes

3. sufficient body armor.
a couple of things. a) make sure it's thick. b) make sure it's light or c) make sure you can run in it.

4. big knife or chainsaw.

5. sack

6. good shoes.

7. spices.

8. pot.

9. matches or flame thrower

10. Stim Packs, and drugs, lots of drugs.

Now then, since you are prepared.
Things to remember:

1. Deathclaws are faster than you are.

2. Take a friend who moves slower than you do.

3. don't be afraid to make a mess. blow that deathclaw to pieces if you can since it will save the effort of determining if it is really dead and takes less time to cut up.

4. make sure you have plenty of room.

Okay, Good Luck out there.

Let me know what it tastes like.

Ralph, Vault 103

ps. Don't eat raw.